#winning.

I stood there, staring up at it.

A massive wall, over a thousand feet high, defying us.

  Disappointment drained the adrenaline from our veins as we stood on a rocky outcropping, 3/4 up North Maroon Peak in the White River National Forest. After several setbacks, we had managed to push high onto the peak, only to find a false summit and 1,200' of loose, near vertical scrambling standing in the way of our goal. It's a critical moment as we weigh the looming clouds, falling snow and slight water supply against our desire to reach the summit and not break a perfect summit/attempt ratio. It meant a lot to me that I had never failed to reach the peak of a mountain I attempted. It meant I had done the research, possessed the skill and had the physical strength and willpower to forge ahead when others had turned back.

But it meant more than that.
It meant I was a winner.
And being a winner means you're valuable.

We make the call: Turn back.
 Frustration rose high in me. We had already worked so hard. Arbitrary percentages ran through my head: "I mean, there's like a 90% chance everything would be perfectly fine." That was probably true. It's the 10% that will kill you, I guess.

Something was cemented in my mind that day. My struggle to prove my value compels me to perform. Climbing a big pile of rocks really doesn't mean anything, especially to people who climb bigger piles of rocks. Somehow I've taken things like riding a bike or a piece of fiberglass down a hill into a metric of my relevance in this world. Luckily I'm not that great at those things, otherwise I might have gone my whole life living in this lie.

The Truth:
Winning does not make you valuable.
Or getting the girl.
Or landing that job.
Or stomping that trick.
Or knowing more than your buddy.
Or being faster, smarter, more determined, better dressed, wealthier, poorer, cleaner, dirtier, more compassionate, more socially conscious, more generous, blah, blah, blah.

It's all crap. We've (read: I have) turned our ability to do good things into a harsh god, raining down condescenance and condemnation on those who don't win at life. All of our righteousness is crap, including all the things that we think we can do to boost our value points.

"I am not a good man, it's good I seek to do. Heaven's gate is narrow, pray for me, I'll pray for you"